My relationship with Kevin has been a roller coaster ride. With his illness, I couldn’t help but worry about his relapses. When they did happen, I used to freak out and couldn’t support him to the fullest. Deep in my heart, I didn’t feel comfortable with what he was struggling with and how our future would look. It felt like I was only dipping my toes into the unknown, and every time he talked more about it, the issue felt deeper than I ever imagined. (Respecting his privacy, I won’t be sharing his diagnosis on the blog.)

I eventually realized that his recovery is his journey, not mine. I can only provide a shoulder for support, but there is nothing I can say or do that will miraculously treat him. He was on medication for his symptoms, but the illness itself isn’t treatable yet. He struggled with his self-esteem a lot, and losing his job further affected it.

Meanwhile, my own recovery was ongoing and making progress. My psychiatrist recommended ‘Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)’ therapy, a mental health treatment technique, to help me process my trauma and desensitize myself to triggers. Finding a therapist in the field who accepts insurance was a huge challenge, but when I finally found one, she instantly became a great ally.

The impact that a therapist specializing in trauma treatment can make is enormous. She repeatedly asks very specific questions about how I feel and where in my body I feel it. Initially, it felt weird – being asked how I feel over and over in a session where I talk about things felt uncomfortable. For someone who never allowed herself to feel the depth of her emotions, I guess it was an acceptable response. But as I continued, I realized those questions have a purpose. They are intended to make me look within, to look deeper than the surface. I’ve been working with her every week, and after a year, I still do.

After my EMDR therapy sessions, I used to come back home with lingering raw emotions. I needed comforting and I leaned on Kevin for support. Some days, my therapy sessions delved into very sensitive memories. Those days were so hard that even the smallest trigger would send me spiraling into despair, eventually leading to a dissociative flashback. Having someone around during those times is significant, and I’m grateful I had Kevin.

Sometimes, he was the trigger for those episodes. I understand, though, that it’s hard to constantly walk on eggshells around triggers. His body reacted to anger differently due to growing up watching his parents fight, and it often came out as aggression. He never meant to hurt or harm me, but his body would react in a certain way that terrified me. After a few months of living together, we realized that we both cared deeply for each other. We wanted to continue the relationship but didn’t know how to support each other without causing unintentional harm.

That’s when we started couples counseling. It helped us understand each other’s perspectives and address our concerns about the relationship. With Kevin’s job loss, I had to take on the financial responsibility, which I wasn’t too happy about, but I saw it as an investment in our relationship. I was making progress, with fewer triggers and reduced stress about his illness, our financial situation, and life in general.

Kevin’s family loved me from the start; they cared for me and welcomed me with open arms. I even had my picture on the wall at his mom’s place. I felt incredibly grateful to have found people I could connect with. I spent time with them during every holiday and met them every couple of weeks. It really started to feel like I was part of their family.

One weekend, when Kevin and his mom went out of town, I began browsing houses for sale in the neighborhood, as I often do. I stumbled upon a home close to where I lived that was priced very low (by California standards), and I could afford it. I couldn’t believe it, so I called Kevin’s mom, who is a realtor with the company listing the property, and she pointed out that it was a mobile home. I had never realized that mobile homes were priced lower, so I started researching what it entailed.

The more I learned about it, the more it didn’t feel like the right home setting for me to invest in. However, this experience made me realize that there might be other homes I could afford. I decided to hire Kevin’s mom as my realtor (despite being advised not to) because I was confident that I could express my preferences without feeling obligated to like everything she showed me. We began our search.

After touring many houses and rejecting several due to various reasons (including ‘it just doesn’t feel like home’), reevaluating my needs, understanding my financial ability and limits, I finally found a home that checked all the boxes on my list. I had to compete against other offers, and after raising my offer price, I successfully secured the house!