On the day of our planned vacation, Kevin broke up with me, leaving us with non-refundable tickets. Nevertheless, we decided to proceed with the trip. Surprisingly, we had a great time exploring the new surroundings. Our furry companion, Iris, enjoyed the new areas and long walks. However, the tension between us lingered throughout the trip, indicating that we were not functioning as a couple.

A few days later, on my birthday, I was surprised to find my favorite cake in the fridge. Kevin had given me some simple gifts, a greeting card, and took me out for dinner. I was puzzled by the mixed signals and uncertain about their meaning. During dinner, he suggested turning our breakup into a break. Naturally, I asked, “What’s going to change?” but he had no response.

This prompted me to reflect on my desires in a romantic relationship and the boundaries I refuse to compromise on. I realized that I had previously overlooked a small list of non-negotiables during our time together. This time, I was determined to write down my boundaries, recognizing that I deserve love and respect. Instead of passively hoping for change, I was ready to share these boundaries with him.

Throughout the year and a half we spent together, this was the first time Kevin genuinely sat down and listened, without dismissing me or getting lost in his phone. It was a moment of feeling heard. After digesting everything, he acknowledged the reasonableness of my boundaries and expressed willingness to make an effort to become that person. He apologized for his labeling, aggression, and disrespect, realizing that he needed to get his life together. Although he regretted not having his own list, he promised to develop one later.

Later that night, I confided in my friend Sonia. Apart from my therapist and our couples counselor, I hadn’t shared Kevin’s physical aggression with anyone. Sonia responded with deep sadness and concern. “Anika,” she said, “I admire your tolerance and belief in people’s ability to change for the better. But the truth is, change is rare. It pains me to see you in a relationship where you’re treated this way. I don’t know the whole story, but one principle I hold is to walk away when you’re treated with disrespect. And this situation goes beyond that. You’ve witnessed numerous red flags, yet you’re still giving more weight to his words than his actions.”

“But he said he’ll change. I made a list of boundaries, and he said he’ll try to meet them,” I protested, slowly realizing that my decisions regarding him may not have been objective. Sonia’s frustration was evident as she replied, “Ultimately, Anika, the decision is yours to make. You’ve created a list of boundaries for how you want to be treated, but have you also made a list of traits that are unacceptable in a partner? That matters too, doesn’t it?”

I knew Sonia deeply cared for me, and I respected her for speaking up and challenging my reliance on words rather than actions. She was right. That night, I spent hours contemplating my relationship with Kevin and came to the realization that he had not addressed my ongoing concerns, which I had raised from the very beginning.

The following day, I had a serious conversation with Kevin, expressing my desire to end our relationship. I assured him that my care for him remained unchanged, even though our living arrangements had yet to be altered.

It has been over a week since the breakup, and I’ve noticed Kevin falling into a pattern of daily smoking, weed use, and alcohol consumption. He is recklessly spending money he doesn’t have, accumulating significant credit card debt through unnecessary purchases. This behavior saddens me, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t change him. I had done my best to guide him during our relationship, but as soon as I let go, he spiraled further. I feel a sense of guilt, but I also recognize that his actions are not my responsibility. He is accountable for his own decisions, and I can only hope that someday he will make better choices. I genuinely believe that he is a good person who has lost his way, and I sincerely wish him the best.

Reflecting on my journey with Kevin, I have learned valuable lessons from both the good and challenging times. I now understand the importance of setting boundaries and not compromising on my self-worth. I have gained an understanding of the significance of looking beyond words and paying attention to actions. I am grateful for my friend Sonia, who cared enough to speak up and remind me to prioritize my own well-being. Her words have deeply resonated with me, prompting me to reevaluate my decisions and take control of my happiness.

Just a couple of weeks have passed since all of this unfolded, and I must admit, it hasn’t been an easy journey. Every day, I find myself navigating through a range of emotions, trying to appreciate what I still have while acknowledging what I’ve recently lost. What I’ve lost goes beyond mere possessions; it’s a sense of comfort, belonging, and most importantly, the feeling of not being alone. I understand that this state of sadness is temporary, but that doesn’t diminish the pain that has settled in my heart today.