If you were offered a magical wand that could erase all your painful memories, would you use it? This question has been stuck in my mind since Kevin and I broke up. I guess I’m blaming my trauma responses for why our relationship went downhill, which explains why the question popped up. I always had conflicting opinions about it. Would you still have the same persona if you don’t remember what it felt like to be going through what you went through? On the other hand, you never deserved abuse, so don’t you deserve not to live with the pain it left on you? It’s hard that a hypothetical question is affecting me this much.

With all this on my mind, I started isolating and going back to being critical of myself. Sonia’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and I was invited to the party. I decided to go even though I didn’t think I could get through it, but with all my heart, I wanted to be there for my best friend’s special day.

Other than Sonia, her husband, and I, there were three couples, one with a two-year-old child. I was glad it was an intimate gathering. As I mingled with everyone, sharing what I do, my goals, and volunteer work, I started receiving many compliments. People said that everything I had to say was worth listening to and that my approach to things amazed them. As someone who was scared of attending the party, hearing such kind words from someone I had just met meant a lot. It was one of the very first times I was able to feel positive seeds taking place in my mind, which I hope will grow to offer healthy self-esteem one day.

Just days after that, a great thing happened. I went to visit a friend I made in my new community, Uki, who was fostering 5 kittens. She suggested I could care for two to see what it’s like to have cats and also how Iris, my dog, would do with them. I loved the idea, and in minutes, we were getting them home with all supplies borrowed from her. One of the kittens bonded with Iris right away, while the other one did not like being around her. And, just like that, I adopted the outgoing one and named him ‘Milo’.

It’s been so nice having Iris and Milo around me. They don’t leave my side and make sure I feel loved. Given how recent the breakup was, it has been difficult to not feel alone. These little fur babies have taken it as their mission to not make me feel so alone, and I’m immensely grateful for that.

Things have been tough on the job front. I’ve always been passionate about managing teams and one day see myself managing teams at a nonprofit organization or cause-oriented company. Since I’ve been at my job for 5 years now, I sort of feel stuck and want to progress on my path to gaining managerial experience. When I shared this with my manager in our 1:1 conversation, she applauded me for knowing what I want and taking a step towards it. However, since then, she has been cold and dismissive of my ideas, my efforts, and critical of everything I say. It’s been incredibly stressful and frustrating to feel like I’m being punished for wanting something that I truly believe is the best thing for me and my journey.

So, I’ve decided to start looking outside the company for roles that can help me gain managerial experience. Since I am on a work visa, I need to find an employer that can sponsor it. Even with 6 years of experience and a Masters degree, it has been really difficult to find a job that I meet qualifications for, that sponsors a visa, and pays enough to cover my bills.

With all the stress, I’ve been noticing that I’m misplacing things, forgetting important details, and most of all, feeling ill. Per my therapist’s recommendation, I’ve taken next week off to take care of myself. I’m hoping it goes well.

Overall, I think I’ve made progress and made decisions that contribute to my happiness. By the way, what do you think about my question? Would you use a magical wand that could erase all your painful memories?