Loneliness, a feeling that has become all too familiar to me, has been settling into my mind over the past week. Despite knowing that I have friends who care about me and are there for me when I need them, and despite having Iris and Milo following my every step, loneliness still comes in waves, knocking me down.

During my recent therapy session, the focus was on this overwhelming feeling. The first question my therapist asked was, “Is there any image that goes along with this feeling?” And there is – the image of my childhood self sitting on the side of the street, watching other kids play, and hoping they’d let me join them. I used to feel so sad and frustrated, surrounded by darkness, as if my presence didn’t matter. It’s a painful memory I didn’t realize I was reverting back to, something I’ve been carrying with me until now.

My therapist asked me to feel everything I felt back then, to experience those emotions fully so I can let go. I then realized that I wasn’t just feeling lonely because those kids rejected me. I felt alone wherever I was. My family saw me as a burden, my mom struggling to keep us afloat, and my dad was rarely home. I was seen as an odd kid, a target for bullying. I remember coming home with bumps from hitting my head against the wall and being belittled for being such a sad child who doesn’t appreciate her mother’s efforts. I wish I had parents who were there for me during those tough times. I loved my mom and appreciated her efforts, but the bullying and loneliness were so painful, I resorted to self-harm when no one seemed to understand my pain.

As I reflected on the past, my therapist asked, “Now that you know you’ve been carrying this dark cloud with you since then, what would you like to do with it?” – I want to let it rain, to let it pour down so intensely that the cloud is no longer heavy, no longer my burden to carry. “Let it rain,” she said.

I found myself sobbing, tears streaming, and my throat constricting. In just a moment, the tears were gone, replaced by an overwhelming pain in my chest and a choked-up feeling in my throat. My therapist noticed that I swallowed my expression of emotions. This struggle with expressing emotions has been something I’ve faced for a long time; it’s a defense mechanism my subconscious developed to protect me from getting hurt, given the past experiences when I expressed myself.

Now, I understand that I am in a safe space with my therapist, yet my subconscious still resists letting it rain. So, I was recommended to keep thinking of the cloud and rain throughout the week and feel the pain in parts every day, so that even if there isn’t a downpour, there is a light rain that slowly relieves the pain.

I’ve been following this practice for the past couple of days. Each time I think of it, my chest starts to ache, and I genuinely feel my emotions a little more. Though I can’t fully express them yet, I can at least acknowledge and feel them within myself. I count that as a win.