Today, I want to write about grief. I don’t think I’ve ever processed grief well. I’ve lost a lot in my life – my childhood, friendships, family members, romantic relationships, pets, my sense of safety, and so much more. A part of me still grieves for them. I think of the times when someone walked away from my life, and I just couldn’t comprehend what I had done wrong. I now understand that it wasn’t my fault, and yet, somehow, I still feel the pain of losing that person over the reasons.

My best friend, Sonia, has been in my life for almost 5 years. She’s been there throughout my struggles. Unfortunately, I’ve not caught a break from them. It does take a lot to support another person, and here I was holding onto the only person I knew would never step away. One day, it does become a lot for them. It’s never easy to step away from someone you care about, but it’s your responsibility to prioritize yourself, no one else. So a few days ago, Sonia called to tell me she can no longer emotionally support me. I respect her for taking care of herself. I always have respected her, from the bottom of my heart. So, here I am grieving the loss.

Oh, I’ve also lost two other friends recently. They just stopped talking to me. One blocked me everywhere. She was my neighbor from my apartment days, and she didn’t want me to be in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I guess I didn’t end it sooner than she hoped. Another friend of mine just moved on.

When I ended up in the ER a couple of days ago, Kevin told me not to contact even my friend Uki asking for anything – “they have a life and their own battles; they don’t need more. I’m just trying to help you not lose more people; don’t burden other people!” How appropriate for how I feel, I thought.

I’m going to be saying goodbye to my foster dog soon; he’s being adopted. It’s a blessing for him, unfortunately for me, I think I fell in love even when trying hard not to.

I genuinely need a hug, someone to hold me close so I can let the pain out. I’ve not been talking to anyone about how I feel; how could I? I have a history of driving people away; I’m too much for anyone, I know that. Yet I crave just one moment longer with the ones I’ve loved. It is like Kevin said, I burden people with more, and no one needs that. I just wish that wasn’t the case, that I was a happy person, that I made people happy. I try my best to, yet somehow I just don’t seem to make it last.

I think every time I lose someone, I lose my sense of safety. So it is always a journey to rebuild it without them. And by the time I get it working, another leaves. I’ve lived all my life fighting battles, building my armor from pieces. I’ve been lucky to have had people in my life when I needed them the most, but at the end of the day, I seem to always end up alone. I need a partner for the long haul too. Is it really too much to ask?

As I ended the last paragraph, my kitten Milo jumped into my lap, forcing me to put my iPad aside, curled up and purred for 15 minutes before looking into my eyes and walking away. The only thought that crossed my mind during those 15 minutes is that ‘no matter the losses I’ve faced, the grief I carry, I seem to have gained the trust and confidence of two furry companions; I might be doing something right…’ I guess my post won’t end sad after all.