For the longest time, I believed exiting a relationship was giving up. The only things that could end a relationship, in my view, were abuse, disrespect, or conflicted values. I’ve seen others exit their relationships for several reasons, though I’ve never judged them; I always felt maybe I could make it work if I ever found myself in similar situations. Somehow, I’m now looking at those beliefs shattered to pieces.

Let me rewind – my first relationship was with a religious extremist who loved me a lot and abused me too. I broke up with him after 5 years of being together because I couldn’t take the controlling tendencies anymore. To this day, I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand, I can’t imagine how I even stayed with someone full of hatred toward people, something I’m completely opposed to. On the other hand, I feel like that was the only relationship where I saw love given freely (well, if you ignore the anger outbursts and stuff). I had the drive to break it off a lot of times in those 5 years because what he said and did used to hurt me a lot, yet I stayed, thinking I might never find anyone else.

My second relationship was with a nice guy who just couldn’t make up his mind, always wavering on whether he liked me or not. He supported me during my initial diagnosis period though. I stayed in it for 1.5 years with multiple instances of ‘I can’t take it anymore’ just to avoid giving up, ‘what if I don’t find anyone else?’ until it started becoming hurtful with frequent anger outbursts.

My third relationship was with a nice guy who struggled with addiction and was very emotionally avoidant. We supported each other in our recoveries, until it started getting hurtful. My needs were not heard, anger outbursts everywhere, couples therapy advice not followed. I stayed in it for 1.5 years with several instances of ‘this has become toxic, I need to get out’ just to avoid giving up or making him feel I gave up on him, ‘what if this is how my life is going to be? Maybe there’s no one better out there.’

Now, I’ve been dating this person for 4 months who is always unsure how he feels about me. A good guy who cares a lot about me and our values align perfectly, yet somehow we talk about how disconnected he feels or acts with me every two weeks! I still hold on, regardless of how uncertain and unstable it feels, why? ‘He treats me better than my ex-partners, what if there’s no one else out there who will truly love me?’

Today, I’m looking inward to understand what makes me believe I couldn’t find someone who will truly love me, is excited to love me, treat me well, and respect me. I’m also acknowledging what I have done in these relationships, both healthy and unhealthy. Guess what? I crave love and care – that’s the core of it.

If you’ve been reading long enough, you know I wasn’t loved or cared for by most people in my life. So, I put that weight on romantic relationships, put that weight on one person. I feel like if we reach some point in our relationship, I’ll finally get the love, care, support, and most importantly, security in the relationship.

The other part of it is that I date one person at a time and think I won’t find anyone else better. I give my all from the start, without taking time to assess if they are worthy of being welcomed into my life.

I don’t know how long it will take me to fully internalize this fact, so I’ll keep chanting it like a mantra – I am the love I have been seeking. I can’t expect a person to enter my life and miraculously fill the void with love. What I can do, though, is fill it little by little myself because I have been and will be with me the longest.

When I approach a relationship, I am not on a race to reach that milestone anymore. So, I actually take my time to answer, ‘Has this person proved to me that they truly care and appreciate me enough to be welcomed into my life, into the vulnerability of a relationship?’

Ending a relationship doesn’t have to be seen as ‘giving up,’ and staying shouldn’t be driven by the fear of ‘what if there’s no one else.’ With these shattered beliefs, I want to mark the beginning of approaching relationships differently where things evolve with time and care, where feelings are reciprocated and grow stronger together. I’m looking forward to not holding on out of fear but out of mutual love.