When I watch movies showcasing the journey of LGBTQ+ individuals, I always felt I related to their journey. Not because I am part of the community, even though I am an ally, but because as a traumatized child I never felt I fit in anywhere. I lived hiding my feelings, hoping no one ever found out and walked away. I felt proud when I watched movies or heard that someone actually was able to ‘come out of closet ‘. What a weird term, coming out of a closet. So accurate on how suffocating it is being in one.

I’ve been so terrified that people might never stay if they knew how sad I was. They never made me feel that I belonged So, I kept it all in. My first physical abuse incident happened at the age of 6. My first sexual abuse incident happened when I was 8. I kept it all in. Suffered in silence so that the adults had an easier time, they didn’t feel I was burdening them with more.

I’m an adult now, in her late 20s, been in therapy for 3 years. I’ve been physically abused in over 150 instances, sexually abused in over 170 instances of which I still remember details of a lot. You know how many would’ve not happened if adults were aware of the impact it made on me and chose to not hurt me? 250!

I’ve worked hard regardless of the pain, and built a good life for myself. Even now, I try to keep it all in. PTSD, when people hear the term, they either get scared or don’t believe in it. When I share it on a date, they say “you’re so brave!” and I never see them again. I’m healing, I have come a long way but I’m still scared if a person I’m talking to and starting to like, will ghost me the moment I step out of the closet.

I know how suffocating it is in there, so I feel proud to see someone make it out.